Worst. Date. EVER.

They’re on the patio of the small restaurant, where Russell knows you can get good calamari. The sun has just gone down, and the horizon is a beautiful purple. There are white lights strung up around and Waikiki Beach is just visible in the distance. Everything is very peaceful, which is why Briana's first words to him are so jarring.

“Humuhumunukunukuapua'a,” says the woman after they sit down.

Russell stares at her. “Pardon?”

“Oh!” She laughs. “That’s the fish. That…I’ve always wanted to see. Haven’t you heard of it?”

He shakes his head slowly. “Never.”

“It’s the state fish of Hawaii. I read about it once. I really don’t like fish, but I like long words.”

He nods. “Yeah. How do you spell that?”

“Just how it sounds! Humuhumunukunukuapua’a,” says the woman, whom Russell has decided is actually insane. “So, how long have you lived in Hawaii?”

“Not long enough, obviously,” says Russell to himself and wonders how long it will be before he can quietly extricate himself. Just the dinner, he decides. They won’t be going for drinks. “So, you hungry? Not for fish—,”

“Definitely not. I hate fish.”

“But the calamari’s really good, if you wanted to share the big plate. It’s cheaper.”

She shakes her head emphatically. “I don’t eat squid.”

“Oh, you’re a vegetarian?”

“No. I don’t like eating intelligent animals.”

His eyes widen. “Squid are intelligent?”

She looks offended, as if he just asked if her mother was intelligent. “Of course! Did you know that people who keep squid as pets have to put loads of heavy stuff on top of their tanks? Otherwise the squid will get out. They’re so smart they’ll get the tops off their aquariums and end up on the walls, trying to find their way back to the ocean. It's really sad.”

“I bet.”

“It’s like eating a dolphin. Russell, would you eat a dolphin?”

“Definitely not,” says Russell, and he ends up getting a salad and a whole lot of regret.